Two Years Fly By

Looking at the posts from over a year ago- it makes me cringe to see how stressed out and in need of help I was.

Lexy (Lexie) went to get chemotherapy at Cornell University. I surrendered her to a rescue last April. Lexy is doing well but the chemo didn't work as well as we had hoped. I haven't seen her in over a year.

My two Trakehners and I have moved around a lot in the past year. I'm finally getting back on my feet. Well, for the most part. As it stands right now, I am working full time and not doing much by way of horse time. Most days I do what I need to do and then go home. The horses are twenty minutes from my house.... Since I do rough board that means I'm at the barn twice a day. Forty minutes of driving a day is definitely a downer.

Also, I feel guilty. Like I should sell them so I can pay down my debts. Why do I keep holding on to them when logic and good sense tells me to cut my losses. I got myself way in over my head and here I am pretending everything is fine and dandy when it's not.

I'm questioning my sanity right now.


I was writing for the American Trakehner Association but my new job pretty much takes all of my energy and writing for the ATA is more than I can swallow at the moment. It seems like life is too much to swallow. I keep thinking today will be different. Today will be better.

My paranoia is kicking in- I keep thinking someone is going to come and take my horses from me but I can't think like that. I can't draw that negative energy towards me. I have to believe that a miracle will happen. That my hardwork and determination aren't going to blow up in my face.

Fae is a lovely filly. She's gorgeous. Her trot and canter are both floaty and I can't wait  help but wonder what it will be like to ride her. That is if I ever get enough energy to do anything more than daydream about riding.

Everything is so much work and honestly, it feels like no one understands why I'm pitching such a bitch fit. The stress of keeping them is wearing away my optimism more than anything else. If keeping them is stressing me out so much then why do I keep them? Why do I still dream of riding when the thought of grooming them makes me want to curl up and cry. Why do I do this to myself. If I loved them, really loved them I would sell them to people who could care for them properly. I'm being selfish and I wonder if my selfishness is detrimental to them.

 These aren't the greatest photos of them. I'm feel hollow. Like I have to make a decision and I know what the answer should be but every day I tell myself I'll make that decision tomorrow.



Oh and this was Fae in August of 2013